WASHINGTON — In a major break from tradition, members of President Trump’s staff reported that the president asked the two turkeys from Iowa that were ceremoniously pardoned yesterday if they would extend the courtesy to him as well. The two birds, named Corn and Cob, were flown in overnight, with one slated to participate in the service, and the other serving as an alternate, should he be unable to perform his duties. 

However, neither of the birds hold any executive power or pardoning privileges. The feathered Iowans gobbled in confusion at the president’s request.

“I always look out for my friends,” President Trump said. “It’s the least you can do. I mean, I saved your life.”

Onlookers were shocked but not surprised by the president’s attempts to blackmail the birds. In the tense exchange that followed, both turkeys clocked and gobbled, berating President Trump with a litany of criticisms, and lambasting him for his failure to curb the coronavirus pandemic. The president was furious and walked away with his drawing of a baby turkey, which he made by tracing his own hand.

After the president stormed off, one turkey took the podium to address reporters in the Rose Garden.

“Why are we even here?” he asked. “Is right now really the time to be playing dress-up like everything is fine? This man still hasn’t conceded the election. He’s refused to assist the Biden team’s transition. He still hasn’t taken any meaningful action to curb the pandemic.”

 “For god’s sake, people are dying,” said the other turkey, ruffling his feathers. “They can’t even see their families for this holiday. What the hell are we doing here?”