Short Man Lies on Internet

IDIOTVILLE, Ohio — Bodybuilder, organ meat connoisseur, and cute little guy, Brian Johnson, better known as his online persona, “Liver King,” shocked the social media world after his steroid regimen was revealed in a leaked email.

The 5-foot-6-and-a-half Johnson rose to Internet fame last year after posting videos and photos of his impressive, albeit short, physique, and claiming to achieve his muscular but tiny stature by following an “ancestral lifestyle” and consuming raw organ meats, especially raw liver and bone marrow—alongside cheeseburgers and air-fried potatoes, as depicted on cave paintings and described in oral histories since time immemorial.

The leaked email, allegedly written by Johnson’s proportionally small hands, claims the Liver King was using more than $11,000 worth of performance-enhancing drugs a month. 

Email purportedly written by Johnson

The email also shows Johnson’s prodigious use of ellipses, which makes sense—they are punctuation marks that can be used to shorten sentences. 

Fans of the tiny Johnson felt stiffed by his deceit and took to social media to express their frustration.

“I couldn’t believe it,” tweeted Dick Wrinkle, a former fan who once held Johnson in high regard. “I mean, I had no idea he was about as tall as a middle schooler.”

“I’ve been eating testicles for weeks,” one anonymous user commented on Johnson’s Instagram page. “I’ll keep doing it. I like the taste. Sort of a grainy nuttiness to it. But I’m still disappointed.”

Johnson’s following has swollen the past year, landing him appearances on dozens of podcasts and UFC events. 

It’s unclear whether the truth about his PED use will cause Johnson’s status to droop or remain semi-stable.

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