Gov. Cuomo: Hit This Shit and Stop Asking about That Other Stuff

NEW YORK — New York State lawmakers and Gov. Andrew Cuomo brokered a deal to legalize recreational marijuana use across the state today. The final bill is expected to be passed into law early next week. 

Once implemented, the law would allow New Yorkers over the age of 21 to grow their own plants and purchase marijuana for personal consumption. 

For many, it’s long-overdue legislation that will add additional revenue to a state that suffered major economic impact due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Critics believe the proposal is an attempt to distract the public from the governor’s ongoing scandals. 

“Marijuana is the most powerful drug in the world. It’s a mind-control drug,” said Dr. Nerdington Poindexter, chief loserologist for the city of Poughkeepsie, New York. “But it’s not strong enough to make New Yorkers forget the accusations against the governor.”

Gov. Cuomo held a press conference regarding the proposed legislation, where he refused to answer any questions related to the nursing home death scandal or the numerous accusations of sexual harassment made against him.

“Look, I’m not going to go into that,” Cuomo said in response to a reporter’s question regarding his abusive and inappropriate treatment of women that worked in his administration. 

The governor sparked up a marijuana cigarette and offered it to the reporter. “Just take a puff and stop worrying about all that, if you know what’s good for you,” he said.

When the reporter refused, Cuomo attempted to pass the lit joint to staffers and other reporters, but no one accepted it. One female staffer flinched when Cuomo moved his hand toward her.

Reporters continued to press the governor on issues such as the special access he and his family, including brother Chris Cuomo, purportedly received to virus testing.

Additionally, Cuomo declined to address what will happen to people, the majority of which are people of color, who are currently incarcerated on marijuana charges.

“What more do you people want?” Cuomo shouted to the room of reporters while being ushered out by his chief of staff. “My brother is on TV. Trump is gone.”