US Takes Gold in the Individual COVID-19 Case Count Final

TOKYO — Team USA won gold in the individual coronavirus case count final this week after managing to overtake Brazil, despite the best efforts of the nation’s own health experts and multiple vaccines which are readily available to anyone over the age of twelve.

The victory comes as many states in the country are seeing a major spike in new cases, with several experiencing an increase of over 400% in recent weeks.

While it’s an individual event, it took a combined team effort to achieve victory. Fortunately, the US was aided by brave and committed support from athletes such as swimmer Michael Andrew, who is unvaccinated and refused to wear a mask during interviews and in common areas.

Andrew’s heroism is shared by at least 44% of his fellow Americans, who have opted not to receive a COVID-19 vaccine. Their refusal to innoculate themselves and protect their fellow citizens from serious infections is what ultimately led to a gold medal.

Though it will likely result in thousands of unnecessary and easily preventable deaths from the virus, it’s a testament to the courage and commitment of the Americans, who have been unable and unwilling to follow basic guidelines issued by health experts aimed at controlling the spread of the coronavirus.

“This is all thanks to the American people,” Delta, one of the country’s best variants, said to reporters following the award ceremony. “We had some concerns going into the event with the release of multiple vaccines and a slowing growth rate. But in the end, they came through for us.”

The medal adds to an already impressive string of victories for the US in this year’s games, including gold in both men and women’s skeet shooting. Though victory in those events was much less surprising as Americans are traditionally raised around guns, with some experiencing their first mass shooting as early as elementary school.