Stressed Out Rand Paul Forgets to Shave ‘Waluigi’ Mustache

WASHINGTON — Kentucky Senator Rand Paul entered the Senate floor this week looking noticeably distraught, appearing to be neglecting his usual grooming habits. The Republican senator was seen sporting a thin mustache with jagged, upward angles reminiscent of the facial hair of Waluigi, Luigi’s arch-rival from the Mario franchise.

Paul is currently embroiled in multiple scandals, and the fatigue appears to be wearing on him. Last week, it was reported that his wife purchased stock in Gilead Sciences, a biomedical company that manufactures the antiviral drug used to treat COVID-19.

Paul made the investment in February of 2020, well before the public was made aware of the severity of the threat posed by the virus, suggesting the family used insider information and planned to become wealthy off of treatments used for the critically ill.

Additionally, Paul was temporarily banned from YouTube last week after posting a video that claimed that masks were ineffective at helping to slow the spread of the coronavirus, despite overwhelming scientific literature, data, and common sense that says otherwise. 

Critics point out that Paul, who contracted the virus himself in March 2020, and continued to attend group lunches and workout at the Senate gym unmasked, probably isn’t the best person to listen to on the subject.

Some have called the senator’s actions, “unconscionable,” “dangerous,” and “definitely something he would do.”

Others are making claims that Paul and Waluigi are actually the same person. On the surface, the pair do share similar values, personality traits, and physical characteristics. Their voices are similar in tone, both Paul and Waluigi have a very specific form of facial hair, and both get absolutely demolished in fights with their neighbors and rivals.

“Look, all I’m saying is have you ever seen the two of them together?” asked one man from behind the upturned collar of an admittedly pretty sweet khaki duster jacket.

The allegations were further bolstered by Paul’s response. When a reporter at a press conference asked if he had any additional nefarious plans or schemes, such as investing in the Taliban, befuddling Italian plumbers, or partnering with other evil villains such as Mitch McConnell or Wario for a game of tennis, Paul responded with a disturbing cackle of a laugh that witnesses described as “maniacal.” 

When asked for comment, Paul’s office issued a statement that simply read, “WAH.”

Waluigi was suspiciously unavailable for comment.