Mitch McConnell Announces Retirement, Plans to Find Remaining Horcruxes

WASHINGTON — U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke with reporters on Capitol Hill today, where he announced his plans to retire and focus his energy on locating the remaining Horcruxes so that they too may be destroyed.

McConnell has dodged questions about his withering, blackened hand and the cracking skin on his face that resembles a painting that ages on behalf of its subject. During his announcement, he confirmed suspicions that his affliction was caused by close contact with a cursed object.

“‘Tis a curse, you see,” McConnell said to reporters. “From the moment I slipped on that blasted ring, damnable fool that I am, I’m afraid my fate has been sealed.” The senator gave a small chuckle and shook his head before adding, “I suppose my time has come, such as it comes for us all, in the end.”

A Horcrux is an object in which a dark wizard or witch has fused a fragment of their soul in order to achieve immortality. McConnell recently discovered and destroyed an additional one, using a magical sword to crack an enchanted stone ensconced in a golden ring.

However, close proximity to a confirmed Horcrux exposed the senator to dark magic. He’s now tested positive for the curse, which will continue to spread from his hand to the rest of his body.

McConnell has been obsessed with locating and destroying Horcruxes, leading to speculation that the senior senator seeks to obtain the power and render his own soul immortal. McConnell has denied these allegations, telling the Associated Press, “Insolent fools, ’tis not for my own power, no, but for the glory, oh yes, the glory of all, that I seek to rid this land of these wretched artifacts of the dark arts.”

Critics cite McConnell’s divisive, partisan tactics, his record on criminal justice reform, and his opposition to equal voting and marriage rights as evidence of his relationship with dark magic.

The 78-year-old senator is set to retire at the end of the current legislative session and plans to search for Horcruxes and fight against equality with longtime friend and supporter J.K. Rowling.

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