FRANKLIN, TN — Although you neither asked nor cared to hear his opinion, local man Tom Holsted, who also believes that Mexican immigrants are rapists, murderers, and hell-bent on stealing jobs from hard-working Americans, announced today that it is in fact you who is afraid and irrational.
His announcement comes as a spike in coronavirus cases are causing additional lockdowns across the country. Many of the protective measures have closed down restaurants, bars, and other businesses in major cities.
“You sheeple are pathetic,” said Holsted, who also believes that both Antifa terrorists and Black Lives Matter activists want to burn down his local CVS. “I thought your mask was supposed to protect you. If you’re scared then stay home.”
Lacking a basic understanding of disease transmission, Holsted couldn’t comprehend that had more people like him taken basic precautions, the spread of the virus could perhaps have been controlled or at least slowed.
His unfortunate inability to grasp basic, well-established epidemiological principles that exist entirely outside of the scope of politics caused him to grow increasingly frustrated.
“It’s like mosquitos through a chain-link fence,” an exasperated and confused Holsted said, still unable or unwilling to comprehend something as simple and innocuous as a cloth facial covering.
Holsted, who wore a pistol on his hip to go to Target, reportedly stormed off when confronted with statistics and fact-based evidence that disproved his views.