The drugmaker Moderna announced today it will seek expedited clearance from the FDA after final study results confirm that its coronavirus vaccine is more than 666% effective.
But while the new data is encouraging, some are raising concerns over reported “demonic” side effects experienced by participants in the initial trials.
“We’re more than excited by this positive primary analysis showing an effectiveness of this magnitude,” a company spokesperson said. “And while we do acknowledge that there are some potential side effects, we feel they don’t outweigh the benefits of the vaccine.”
The side effects, which appear to be related to a signaling protein called “Luciferon,” include bony, horn-like protrusions from the subject’s forehead, inflamed red skin, and cloven hoof.
“Yeah, I thought it was weird that they made me renounce Christ and bow to a statue of Baphomet,” said Chris Jansen, a subject in the trial who experienced many of the purported side effects. “But I’m just a blind sheep follower, I’ll do whatever they say.”
In addition to the vaccine’s side effects, many participants complained of a painful microchip implantation procedure. The purpose behind the microchip isn’t entirely clear, but many critics fear it may be for nefarious purposes.
“Yeah sure, I heard the microchip is for tracking and mind control and all that,” said Jansen. “I’m just happy to know the government cares so much about me that they want to know where I am all of the time. I’ll give them everything. I love them so much and I love Satan.”