OAKLAND, CA — Disregarding the pleas and repeated requests from everyone around him to please for the love of God just stop, local blue belt Ryan Nelson continued to go on and on about the benefits and practicality of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, a martial art he practices.

“It’s like violent yoga,” Nelson laughed. “Or like chess with a human body.”

Although nobody asked him, Nelson described in vivid detail exactly how to choke another person unconscious and how to dislocate a shoulder. 

“No dude, nobody knows what a kimura is,” bystander Josh Stevens said. “And why do you keep saying ‘oss’ after everything? What the hell does that even mean?”

For what appeared to be a brief moment of lucidity, Nelson looked around at the people standing near him. 

“Oh sorry,” he said, “I guess I didn’t really read the room. Well, it’s like we always say in jiu-jitsu: you win or you learn.” 

But the tragedy continued. Onlookers were held hostage by Nelson’s repeated references to athletes that none of them knew. Their confusion was compounded by the fact that he pronounced the letter “R” as the letter “H,” a hallmark of native Portuguese speakers, which Nelson is not.

“Did you see what Gordan Hyan [Ryan] said on Instagram?” Nelson asked. “Say what you will about the guy, he’s a great athlete. So what if he’s a little racist, sexist, and homophobic.”

Realizing that he would continue to change the subject back to his favorite martial art, everyone in the room dispersed just as Nelson began to talk about Royce Gracie’s performance in the first UFC.