Tearful Trump Vows to Unpack Supreme Court

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Friday rejected a lawsuit filed by the attorney general of Texas which sought to overturn Joe Biden’s election victory in key battleground states. 

The rejected lawsuit—which was supported by attorneys general of 16 other Republican states, 120 House Republicans, and President Trump himself—represents another defeat in what may be the longest string of losses in recorded history.

President Trump spoke to reporters in the Rose Garden today, where he continued to make unfounded claims of widespread voter fraud and called for an “unpacking” of the Supreme Court that would remove all three of his appointed justices, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett, who refused to support the lawsuit.

“We’ve got to unpack, that’s what they call it right, unpack the courts,” Mr. Trump said with watery, glistening eyes. “I mean what the hell are they even doing? Does anybody know? What does the Supreme Court do?” 

Overcome with emotion, Trump turned away from the podium to wipe his eyes with his jacket sleeve, claiming he had gotten something in his eye.

The proposed move mirrors similar efforts by Democrats to “pack” the court and add justices to balance the court’s current 6-3 conservative majority. 

Critics have called Trump’s proposal “infantile” and “sad!” with one correspondent making crying gestures with his hands and stating, “Aw, the wittle pwesident didn’t get his wawsuit heard in the highest court in the wand.” 

The White House kitchen reportedly prepared a wah-burger and French cries for the president’s lunch. Shortly after, he was put down for his afternoon nap.

In the hours before the Supreme Court handed their decision, President Trump seemed hopeful that he could rely on them to undermine the integrity of the election. “If the Supreme Court shows great Wisdom and Courage, the American People will win perhaps the most important case in history, and our Electoral Process will be respected again!” he wrote on Twitter. 

Source: Twitter

But his upbeat energy was quickly deflated. “The Supreme Court really let us down. No Wisdom, No Courage!” he tweeted after the decision. It represents the swiftest incident of irony in Mr. Trump’s tweets during his time on the platform. 

Source: Twitter

The previous ironic record-holder was his May 21, 2016 tweet stating, “While our wonderful president was out playing golf all day, the TSA is falling apart, just like our government! Airports a total disaster!” Mr. Trump has visited a golf course 53 times in 2020, while nearly 300,000 Americans have died from the coronavirus.

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