Opinion: The COVID Vaccine Isn’t Safe, Let Me Take It for You

I’ve been hearing a lot of people’s concerns about the new coronavirus vaccines. They were rushed to production. They have negative side effects. They don’t work. They are part of a Satanic plot to track my every movement and turn me into a gay frog. 

I’m here to tell those who doubt the legitimacy of the vaccines: I believe you.

I believe they were rushed to production and they may have side effects. I’m not so sure about the gay frog business, but I think that people’s concerns are valid and should be respected.

That is why I am volunteering myself for the vaccine. If you are in line to receive one, let me know. I will take it for you to make sure it’s safe. No need to thank me. I can’t bear the thought of someone experiencing a rash, fatigue, or even a headache. I will shoulder the burden on your behalf.

Please, let me do this for you, for science, and for humanity. I have no interest in my own benefit, for I am a simple man. I like my coffee like I like my women: bitter and gone. 

John “Jack” Meoff

salesman

Tallahassee

MNN is committed to publishing a diversity of voices, especially those that challenge preconceived notions regarding rationality or decency. If you have an opinion that you just can’t keep to yourself, we’d love to hear it. Send a message to our Opinion editor: don@member-news.org.

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